Disappointments

They all seem to come from expectations, I wonder if that is what EST was all about, to expect nothing, to just let it be. So anyhow, I live on the edge of Korea Town, hell, I admit it, I’ve always lived on the edge, sometimes I don’t even tie my shoes Now there is a market, a little closer to the heart of Koreatown, I shop there, time to time, I’ve had some good luck meeting women there. So I start hanging out with this pretty young asian girl, she is real pretty, she is real young, you know, the pre bitter years, or so I thought. We talk a little about photography, I show her some work. Most of my work is landscape, but any photographer worth his salt, always has some nudes, is always anxious to get a few more. She sees a few of mine, says immediately that maybe I would like to photograph her. I just let that sit a while, we seem to have a good time together, no time for pressure now, it doesn’t work with asian chicks, if they feel you’re pushing too hard, up goes a wall. We just move along, through the afternoon, together, we’re comfortable, we do enjoy each other. Her English is just a little better than my Korean, words don’t get in our way. I don’t hear from her, for a couple weeks, I decide to call. Conversations between us, are somewhat limited, I get a sense, that she’s been busy, I ask about making some photographs, her doing some nudes, were off the phone quick, she says that she will call me back. About a month goes by, no call back, I figure another one gone, then out of the blue, she calls wanting photographs, I ask when, she says today would be good, I ask if 11am tomorrow would work, she agrees. I figured she was gone, one of those flings, good while they last, leave you sort of empty in the end, needless to say, I got pretty excited, checked my film, loaded my holders got ready to work. It was Sunday Morning, I got there early, she was running late. In about twenty minutes, she buzzed me up, when she answered her door, she looked gorgeous, not a stitch of clothing, she really looked lovely, very sexy too. She invites me in, I am all smiles, god I’m looking forward to this, she says she’s not ready yet, that she needs a little more time, this sure gonna be some fun. I remember thinking, hope she’s not planing, putting on clothes, anyhow, she goes off. I begin putting my camera together. I use an old wooden 4X5, this takes a little time, after I’m done, I take a bit of time, trying to understand, what is going on with the light in this space. Lots of glass on the south side, with all my work in natural light, times before, when I was here, I hadn’t payed it much mind, I was relieved, shutter speeds between 1/8-1/4 second are workable, this should be free and easy. About 12:15, finley, she’s ready, already, I have a lot of time in this, with a whole lot more coming. I develop film in trays by hand, I still make my prints with alchemy and light. Well I’m glad, still no clothes, she is really beautiful, I am excited, though not how you might think. Then she sees my camera, asks if it is digital, is she kidding, here we go, she goes ugly on me, arms folded, no more of that sweet smile, I am really shocked. I don’t get it, she saw this work of mine, she really liked it, hell, that is why I was there. She got a real bad attitude going, she just began to look more and more ugly to me, so like Popye, “that’s all I can takes, I can’t takes no more”, I begin packing my camera away. She snaps out of it, asked what I was doing, I tell her I’ve had enough, I’m going home. Well she says she still wants photographs, she tells me to give her a few minutes. I should of left, the magic had, I had nothing, I didn’t like what I had seen, no longer did I like what I saw, I began to dread, the hours in the darkroom I would spend. My most favorite part of the photographic process is the darkroom, that’s where the magic is, like I said, the magic had left.